Saturday, October 31, 2009

A Special Halloween Treat

Hello readers! I have a special treat for you. In honor of Halloween, I am posting a small portion of "Something Wicked: The Witch Within", one of the many projects I am currently working on. This is a scene taken from the annual high school Halloween dance (hence the timing of this post!).

So, without further ado:





He offered his hand, “Would you care to dance?”

“No!” I hissed, stricken with horror.

He eyed me carefully, calculating. “What if we make a deal?”

“What kind of deal?”

He arched one of his eyebrows and gave a cool smile. “The good kind.”

I pursed my lips at him. “What’s in it for me?”

He lowered his voice so that no one else could hear. “I’ll let you in on a secret of mine.”

While the idea of dancing in general was not a concept I typically relished, and the idea was made doubly bad by dancing with volatile Jaeden, the promise of learning one of his closely guarded secrets was tantalizing, impossibly so.

I sighed. “Alright, just one, okay?”

Before I could breathe a word more, he had swept me onto the dance floor. The music stopped then slowed. Lovely. A waltz. How awkward can this get?

I held my hands on his shoulders, his hands were tightly placed on my waist. “So, what is it you’d like to tell me?”

His gaze swept over the other couples dancing, “Days and nights has thirty-one, on Hollow’s Eve his work be done. The night brings forth such things hidden, till morning comes to do a witch’s bidding.”

I opened my mouth with the intent of insulting his poorly rhyming limerick, but my words died on my lips.

The lights in the room flickered, and the music skipped, once, twice, and then was silent. Jaeden smiled at me, and I started to shift nervously.

“Uh.”

As I peered up into his face, something changed. Pinpointing it exactly was difficult, but his smile faltered, and his normally handsome face turned twisted and ugly. Something that could be easily identified was the color of his usually clear blue eyes. As his gaze turned ugly, so too did his eyes turn black. Beetle black.

“Your eyes…?”

He laughed, “Don’t look so disturbed, Em. It’s tradition. I’m just having a little fun."

I could no longer tell where his gaze was directed. He looked on, wickedly. I released his shoulders, suddenly wanting to be far, far away from him.

“This doesn’t exactly seem like fun, Jaeden.”

Suddenly, and despite the distinct lack of music, he twirled me around. He kept me spinning, so fast and so frantically I could not stop. His powerful hands clasped mine above my head, and I was forced to turn. The room rushed by me as I was spun in sickening circles. Every turn I would see his face. With every passing glimpse, his expression twisted his features to become more and more unrecognizable. After a mere moments, what I saw was horrifying. His eyebrows were arched to abnormal proportions, his grin turned upwards in an inhuman fashion. His eyes remained coal black, and the veins surrounding them throbbed and protruded with dark blood, black roots growing from a bottomless void. They slowly made their way down his face. His nose seemed to be slightly more pointed than usual, as if it had grown. He showed his teeth, they looked as if they had been sharpened to fine points. I gasped at what I was seeing. He no longer looked human. He looked exactly like what he was.

A witch.

Deciding then and there I didn’t like his secret very much, I broke free from his grasp. Feeling like I might throw up, I ran zig zaggedly for the doorway of the gym. The world was still spinning and I had trouble walking a straight path. I bumped into a few people as I went. I apologized, but no one responded. In fact, no one did anything at all. I steadied myself, and looked around. Something was wrong. Something was definitely, very wrong.

Everyone’s faces were ashen, their lips almost black. I stood with my back to the door, frozen in shock. I cast a look at Jaeden, who continued smiling at me, deranged and terrible looking.

Suddenly, and in perfect unison, they all turned their faces towards me. Every person, every solitary being in that gymnasium, was staring at me with dead and hollowed eyes sunken into blank expressions. They all looked ill, as if their life was slowly draining away. Yet, they didn’t seem to feel any pain. Their eyes were empty, as if their essence, what one may call a soul, had left their bodies.

Then, to my rapidly escalating horror, collectively, they opened their mouths. Their bottom jaws dropped, as if unhinged, making a creaking sound that echoed in the now totally silent gym. I don’t know that any of them were breathing or even alive, but their mouths were hanging, open, and they were staring at me.

Each person in the room sucked in a breath, rattling like wind passing through an open window. I jumped.

In complete harmony, as if it had been rehearsed, they started to speak. “Isn’t this fun? Aren’t you having fun? Em? Where do you think you’re going?”

If I wasn’t already before, now I was most certainly scared. I wished he would stop this. I couldn’t find a voice with which to speak, so I rested my hand on the handle of the door, ready to spring it open.

I cleared my throat,“Stop it Jaeden.”

A horrible, creaking noise emanated from my classmates mouths. Laughter.

“Jeaden, that’s enough. You’ve had your fun.”

The laughing grew louder. It was a hideous sound, eerie enough so that the hair on my neck stood straight.

“Jaeden!”

My voice rang out, clear. The laughing ceased, almost violently. Mouths now clamped shut, everyone stared at me. There was a moment of silent stillness.

Without warning, the entire crowd took a giant lurch towards me.

And that’s when I gave myself over to panic. So I did what any red-blooded girl would do.

I wrenched open the gym doors, and I ran like hell.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Happy Days

Happy Halloween Everyone! I hope everyone gets plastered (be safe) and has fun over the weekend! Don't eat too much candy (or do), and don't light yourselves on fire!

aha!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Flat Tires

Dear FOX,

(yeah, you know this is gonna be good)

I heard it through the grapevine that "Dollhouse" is as good as cancelled. Now, I'm not going to get all technical here with ratings and how many people watch what, but I am going to lay it down.

You suck.

Wtf is wrong with you? I hate you. You cancel my shows and cause me so much un-needed and un-wanted despair. You are a murderer, cold-blooded and evil. If I were the D.A. of television channels, your ass would be in prison so fast it would make your horned head spin (get it, its the devil).

I'm also not saying that "Dollhouse" is the best show ever. BUT, it is getting better as it goes on, and I've become attached to a few of the characters (see Sierra and Victor). This show definitely has its moments, but they are too few, so please please please let me have another season!

But I know you won't. I'm starting to think you just like to watch when the joy in children's eyes withers and dies. You are the old grumpy man who knocks the ice cream from a little pig-tailed girl in the park. You are the crazy cat lady who rampages onto your porch when there are neighborhood children on your lawn. Worst of all, you are the loony old fart that buys the generic cookies instead of the real ones and tells your grandchildren they are the same thing. Guess what? They aren't the same! They are totally different! One is good and ONE SUCKS ASS.

So, what did you expect when you put "Dollhouse" in a Friday time slot? Was it going to flourish...because in your insane logic a Friday night slot is the same at any other point of the week? They aren't the same, even if they appear to be so. I don't care if one is cheaper and claims it tastes the same, ITS NOT.

Don't even get me started on "Firefly".

Crap, I said it, so now it's out there.

I will never forgive you for "Firefly", EVER. They say time heals all wounds. Well, Fox...time only seems to deepen the injury inflicted by your overzealous cancellation of a show that once someone sees, he/she immediately loves forever. At least Nathan Fillion got some sense and moved to ABC. :sigh: It makes me feel better to think that "Firefly" is now resting somewhere in dead-television-show-heaven, where ratings never drop, your assigned night never moves, and all episodes are showed in order as they were meant to be shown. "Firefly" looks down on us and smiles, telling us that it's alright to be sad, but we must be strong!

At least "Glee" has a full season, and if you decide to cut it short somehow, I will be revisiting this post armed with profanities and nasty rumors about how you got a boob job or something.


But, I have found something y'all can't take away (and no, it's not our freedom, cuz I think they try to do that on FOX news all the time)...DVDs! That's right! Yay for DVD's!

So, I can buy my "Firefly" and eat it too. mmmmm...Nathan Fillion cake. I'm sorry if that sounded weird. However, DVDs are good for something else too! Yes, that's right. They are good for watching shows you have never seen but were kicked off the air ages ago. Now, loyal readers, please don't freak when I say this, because I assure you that only half of me is admitting to it (the other half has watched every season). On my Netflix queue I have recently added "Buffy". Please don't kill me, I never got around to watching it when it was on years ago. But, I'm going to try it now and see if it lessens the blow of "Dollhouse" being canceled (probably).

Until next time, I'm signing off! Just remember, you can't take the sky from me (only a good time slot).

aha!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

It Was So Biblical

No, I'm not really going to talk about "Law Abiding Citizen", I just really love that phrase from the movie. I'm going to write it here because I'll never be able to use anything of that nature in one of my novels. Why? Because it's cheese-tastic, and I, my friends, love the cheese. However, my significant otherly half is kind of lactose intolerant, so the cheese usually becomes tofu, or whatever.

But, there is something to be said about cheesy films and stories. There are a few that have a special place in my heart. Oh, a list?! Yes, a LIST!

1. "Waterworld" - one of the worst films of all time, yet I have watched it dozens of times. I believe I still have my VHS as well as a DVD. The best part of my trip to Universal Studios was seeing the Waterworld boat. I wanted to jump the fence and swim out to it. I'm not kidding. If my mother had not been there to restrain me, I would have done it. There really isn't anything wrong with the movie, except for its exceptionally awful dialogue, hole-ridden plot, and over-the-top acting by Dennis Hopper and co. I mean, come on, Kevin Costner drinks his own pee, what's not to like? This movie was so biblical because it was the end of the world, and people are still smoking...like a lot.

2. "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" - I don't think many people liked this one but me. I have seen it a few times, and I even bought it. I don't really care about the aliens or whatever people said was "wrong with it". The only part I take issue with is the flying monkeys. That was awkward. But, besides that, I enjoyed it. I think I might have done a better job with aspects of it, but I was just happy to have more time with Indy. So y'all can suck it. This movie wasn't really biblical, well, because it was aliens and not Christian crap.

3. "The Last Unicorn" - that is one really f*cked up movie. It is animated, from the 80's I think. I loved it as a kid, but when I found it in some $5 section and bought it, then rewatched it, I realized this movie actually might be one of the legitimate reasons I'm so weird. I would never let my child watch this movie...ever. I mean, the unicorns are really pretty and everything, but between the molestation tree with boobs, the creepy witch people, the butterfly on crack and the strange traveling circus thingie, I don't know how I am as normal as I am. The strangeness is biblical. Watch it...if you dare.

4. "Newsies" -- wtf, I just saw this one on a worst-movies list. Um, guys. This movie features a young Christian Bale singing AND dancing. This is amazing. I don't care if its bad, some of the songs are actually kind of good and rather catchy. I mean, Batman is singing and dancing while sporting a New York accent in period clothing of the 20's. COME ON PEOPLE! This movie is biblical, and I have no idea how they got Christian Bale to do it. No idea. Maybe they tricked him. I bet they did. Thank God they did.

I am having trouble coming up with any others that I simply adore but other people hate (in vast numbers). Maybe it's just me having a bias, I don't know.

Now I feel like watching these movies. There isn't anything better than a lazy afternoon with a mutated Kevin Costner, Shia Labeouf swinging through the trees with monkeys, unicorns committing mass suicide, or a musical number featuring the talents of Christian Bale.

aha!

Friday, October 23, 2009

My Cucumber is Pickled

Awesome news story. I think this guy should get an award rather than jail time, but that's just the redneck in me.


http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091023/ap_on_fe_st/us_lounge_chair_dwi


aha!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Will You Hold My Hand?

Hey Everyone (all six and a half of you) !!

Today marks the month anniversary since this blog had its first post! Wooo!! So, I ask you if we can take the next step in this relationship...will you hold my hand?

:sigh: ahh, young love.

Speaking of which, I've totally just fallen in love with this book I'm reading, "Graceling", it's totally epic and awesome, I HIGHLY suggest it.

If you are curious about that other book I mentioned a few weeks ago that could have been stupid, or it could have been good. Well. It was stupid. Really really stupid. Don't ever read "Evermore"...ever, if I didn't like it, you certainly won't either. Believe me. The whole thing is this weird lie, and then it kind of ends like that weird Johnny Depp movie, "Secret Window", or something... I don't know, all I remember is that this immortal guy can somehow conjure tulips. Yeah. I told you it was stupid.

Note to self: When writing an awesome supernatural love story, never have the romantical hotty interest conjure ridiculous flowers that make the reader go "really? tulips? reallllly?"

In other news, "Supernatural" is taking a breather this week, so basically tomorrow is just like any other day of the week even though it's THURSDAY. ::wallow in despair::

If anyone has been watching "Gossip Girl", this week's hairdos and outfits were especially bizarre, no? OH YEAH, and Zoe from "Firefly" was totally Vanessa's mom, random right?

Also? I don't know if there are any serious Nathan Fillion fans who read this, but this past Monday's "Castle" was on the good side, I was kind of impressed. AND THEN, they got soooooooooo closeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee to kissing or saying how they feel or at least touching each other...but fail. FAIL FAIL FAIL. Whatever, I'll still watch it. DAMN YOU ABC! DAMN YOU!!! ::shakes fist::

So, to recap myself: Read "Gracling", never touch "Evermore", tomorrow is an average day of the week, "Gossip Girl" needs to hire real stylists, and ABC continues to make me watch a show that in any other universe I would not watch, but I have to because the awesome Nathan Fillion totally rocks my world.

aha!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

We all have them. The shows that you associate with your childhood, that bring you back to that special time of your youth. For some it is transformers or ghostbusters. Others would say power rangers or teenage mutant ninja turtles. For me? It's Rainbow Brite. A glorious tv show about a spunky little blond girl who goes on adventures with her awesome horse Starlite and friends the Color Kids (like Shy Violet, and Patty O'Green). Brainbow and the color kids were short pudgy kids who were freaking adorable, and my favorite movie as a kid was the one where Rainbow Brite has to rescue all the color kids. It was awesome. Totally awesome. Totes McGotes.

BUT, for some reason, someone in hollywood thought it would be a GOOD IDEA to REMAKE Rainbow Brite. Because hollywood is so starved for ideas and so completely out to make a buck on something they KNOW will make money because of a preexisting fan base (see: young girls who watched rainbow brite now have children of their own) that they just look back twenty or so years and go, "Hey! This was good! Lets mutilate and destroy it and then repackage it and distribute it to the masses!!"

Now, I know what you are saying. You are saying, "Sam? Don't you think you are over reacting? The new rainbow brite could be cute!"

NO! SHE IS NOT CUTE! She is tall! And skinny! And has long, flowing ultra-blonde model like hair!

WHY?!?! Why is this necessary?! For the love of all that is holy COME UP WITH A NEW IDEA!! And leave cherished childhood television shows ALONE!

And its not just tv shows! You know what else they are remaking? Top Gun.

Yeah, that's right.

Also? Karate Kid.

And if that's not bad enough, they are remaking the holiest of holy 80's movies.

Dirty Dancing.

IS NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE?!

I, for one, am sick of this nonsense. ESPECIALLY when I have dozens of perfectly good, original ideas! That have not been made, then sequalized, then remade again! Fresh, new ideas. I have them. I bet some of you have them too. And I want to see them on screen. I don't want to see the 14th version of Friday the 13th (unless Jared Padalecki is in it, but that's another point altogether). I don't want to see Miley Cyrus and one of the Jonas brothers dancing to "Time of my Life" in a disneyfied regurgitation of Dirty Dancing.

Or a tall, model version of Rainbow Brite. Come on. Leave my childhood memories alone.

aha!

Monday, October 19, 2009

Christmas In Any Season But Winter

Good Lads and Ladies, I give you a very early Christmas present. Please enjoy the below photograph without having to view the film ("Thomas Kinkade's Christmas Cottage"). ::shiver::

Although, it's almost worth it if you can find it for free on youtube. It's pretty funny, poorly written, over-acted, and an overall plot-free story. Not that I've seen it, cuz I haven't...

But this is pretty funny.


(I mean, c'mon, the hat...THE HAT!!)

He makes this surprised expression in one of several similar hats throughout the "film"...not that I've counted, cuz I haven't...

It just never fails to impress me what people will do for a paycheck. Did I mention that Peter O'Toole and Marcia Gay Harden also appear in this thing? Yeah.

aha!

Friday, October 16, 2009

Flat Tires

Dear Nation,

We have a revolution on our hands, and I say it's time to find the trickster who sparked the fire!

Yeah, that's right. A full blown revolution. I can see you there, scratching your head. You're asking yourself, who? Who is revolting? I laugh at you and say, not who BUT what?!

We need to pool all of our resources into finding out who was responsible for last week's My Cucumber Is Pickled story. Remember that one? About the dead deer in a clown suit left on someone's porch in Iowa?

Well, apparently, deer all over the country have heard of said episode and are showing their displeasure. If you don't belive me, feel free to read this article about a poor little boy who was charged by an adult buck near his home. Granted, no one was hurt...except for the deer. Try to imagine a 9 year old beating a buck with a stick until it will run away. Hard to imagine, no? I think that's because this is a lie. The 9 year old actually had a flame thrower and roasted the deer for dinner, just to show all the other deer of the forest what-the-f#ck is UP.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/33291020/ns/us_news-weird_news/

...damn liberal media never gets anything right. lies. This is just a cover up! The revolution is at hand!


(the deer, watching us)

So, I ask MSNBC, what were you thinking? You really ran two stories about deer two weeks in a row, and you didn't think I WOULD SEE?! Do you think I'm that dense?!

I pity you.

aha!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Some Assembly Required

Before I start in on the meat of this post (for those of you immediately expecting pictures of you-know-you, that isn't my intention, but I might appease you anyway), I have some news to get y'all caught up on.

1) Swine flu is back DUN! and apparently it's going to kill us all, so there's always that.

2) Garth Brooks might be going back on tour or something, at the minimum he is busting out of retirement, so hopefully something awesome will come of that.

3) It looks like there might be a "Friday the 13th: Part II" in the works starring the one and only Jared Padalecki...yum. (hopefully they keep the motorcycle in storage for this one)

4) It's still miserably cold outside, and it's never going to get better.

5) '30 Rock' is premiering tonight, if anyone cares about that.

OK! Moving ON!

We're gonna talk about things that fall apart which are a pain in the ass to put back together. Ready? (feel free to add in your own suggestions)

First, there are cell phones. They drop once and then you are constantly putting them back together, it's super annoying, and I'm pretty sure when you buy one, duct tape should be included. Let's be serious here, I'm clumsy and my phone is constantly teetering on the edge of disaster.

Second, my sanity. I'm losing it, I swear to GOD. Well, honestly, I think I lost it a while ago. I can't give the exact date or place I left it, but it's gone. It is broken, and terribly difficult to put back together. Sometimes I see things (no joke), and I tell myself its just the beginning stages of cataracts or something. So, that's nice.

Third, remote controls. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ask any one of my friends and they will tell you that when I am around, remote controls simply fall apart. I can touch one and it goes to pieces. I'm starting to believe its a super power, but what a lame super power that would be. What would they call me? Remote Deconstructor...ugh. The pain-in-the-ass part is that when one falls apart, you have to find all the components. AND when two batteries roll under a sofa, I start throw to a fit.

Fourth, those shoes that are so comfortable you never want to throw them away. Yeah, it happens to everyone. There is that pair of shoes that you just got worn in the way you like them, and all of a sudden, there is a hole or a rip or SOMETHING to mess up your situation. So. Annoying. In this case, you could also use duct tape, but I wouldn't suggest it because it isn't very fashionable, AND this gives you the opportunity to go shoe shopping.

Fifth, Barbie Dolls. Don't laugh, you know it's true. ESPECIALLY the Ken legs. JESUS CHRIST!! Those stupid legs were so hard to get back into the hip socket, and I could never do it! I would get so frustrated that I would stuff the leg into the pants and practically glue the pants onto him (thus keeping his shirt options very limited) to keep the friggin' leg on. However, the outcome was really distracting, because you could tell that the leg wasn't connected properly...GIVING YOU a handicapped Ken doll. :sigh: The worst part about the whole situation was the pair of pants he was stuck with. I kid you not, they were shiny silver things that had suspenders to keep them on. What was wrong with the 80's? I mean, seriously? When was dressing up Ken dolls like that ok?

...Speaking of things that are broken

...these are two things you wouldn't mind fixin, right?

aha!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

"A Thousand Times, Yes..."

That quote is taken from "Pride and Prejudice"...you know, the awesome one with Kiera Knightley that I have to watch whenever it's on, and when it's not on, I have to DVR it so that I can watch it when I want to watch it.

I wouldn't call it an obsession, I just really really really like it.


There are a few lines that I really like, and the title of this blog is one of them (its one of my favorite scenes). But, that's not really the point.

Oh crap, do I even have a point?

I dont know, but this line really got me thinking a few minutes ago. I'll break it down for you, and then we'll see if I have a point.

We say 'yes' thousands of times in our lives, and sometimes it is to things that we don't really want to say 'yes' to. I bet you even say 'yes' a thousand times for that exact reason, to avoid something unpleasant or agree to it to make someone else happy. That kind of sucks, doesn't it.

This line can also be viewed in its original environment, a truthful and heartfelt response to a proposal of marriage. I'm going to admit, that's my favorite. But, do you really need to say it a thousand times? Yes is yes, no is no ...and you can't change the meanings of those words. Now that I'm thinking about it so hard, maybe the bitch was lying.

Now, imagine saying this word with contempt and annoyance. Like this: a THOUSAND times...YES! This is when you say it to convince someone of your truthfullness. You are so annoyed that you make up an obscene number to illustrate your point. This is the point of no return, when what you have agreed to no longer interests you, and you now loathe its existence. If there is one thing I hate, it happens to be nagging.

So, here is my proposal. If I feel even the slightest big of nagging coming on about something I'm looking forward to, I'm going to skip the first twenty-three 'yes' responses, and jump right to 'a THOUSAND times...YES!'

I know that might put a few people off, but you cant please everyone. I still don't know if I had a point there, but that's ok.

On a completely seperate note...what do you guys think of copyrighting? Is it worth it, or is it stupid?

Also? Would anyone be interested in reading completely fictional posts of a novel flavor? Or do your tastes lie in what has already been discussed these past few weeks?

aha!

Monday, October 12, 2009

We Were Both Young...

What a weekend!

As I might have mentioned earlier, I attended a Taylor Swift concert this past weekend, and oh was it so awesome. That girl can put on a show! I totally recommend seeing her on her next tour!

The evening started off at Steak N Shake where we saw dozens upon dozens of little girls with glitter and bright colors and crazy things all over their t-shirts who would also be attending the concert, and we felt weird. (My 23 year old friends and I that is).

It was also cold. Very cold.

Then we got to the arena and stood in line for key chains/magnets that didn't exist. But, that's totally ok, because the rest of the night was sooooo worth the $62. Just wait.

We found our seats, which were pretty cool cuz we could see everything (except for this crazed 12 year old behind us whose scream literally knocked me forward every time it was unleashed). Then we sat and read all the texts that you could send to the jumbo screens before the concert. That was pretty funny, and yes, we did try sending some hilarious ones, but none made it up there...sad. BUT IT WAS ALL STILL WORTH IT. Wait for it...


Then the opening acts (Gloriana and Kellie Pickler) performed. I didn't know too many of their songs, but they were pretty good.

And then. There was Taylor Swift. She was awesome.



But that still isn't really the bestest part of the entire shabang. No. Because halfway through she started making her way through the audience, giving out hugs (awww) and whatnot. AND, as we were watching on the jumbo screen, all of a sudden a face appeared in the corner that we seemed to recognize. Hey, that kind of looks like Taylor Lautner. Taylor approached and hugged the look-a-like...

Wait. No. That's not a guy who looks like Taylor Lautner, that IS Taylor Lautner!

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttt!!!!

I then acted in such a manner which proves that should I ever meet a celebrity, I will NOT keep my cool. AT ALL.

We tried to get a picture, but since we reacted like any normal 23 year old--hormonal 13 year old--would, our pictures didn't come out right.


(Taylor and lots of her fans. None of whom are Taylor Lautner. I am actually a little shocked this is even clear, my hands were shaking so badly. I mean...)

BUT, you can view it on youtube and hear the crazy that occurred after his pretty little face disappeared.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0Urcv7vjlc&feature=player_embedded

Her closing numbers were totally great, and needless to say, we were in shock and awe on the drive home. We had to go to Denny's (what the hell else is open at 1:00 am where you can get these half donut-half pancake things called puppies?).

Then it was time to go home, but DAMN it feels good to be a teenager sometimes. Seriously. Do it.

Besides that, I saw "Couple's Retreat", which was funny, but I kind of don't remember it because Saturday night (the concert) blurred everything else.

Oh, I forgot perhaps the most interesting part of the evening! Shame on me. As the concert was starting, about six guys around the age of 20 sat in the section next to us. We noticed this because it seemed really weird, there were no girls with them and, well, it was just odd. We speculated a few theories but nothing really stuck until they left right after the Taylor Squared hug. Yeah, that's right. They were totally Taylor Lautner's friends. right? RIGHT?


(My sneak photo, taken before the taylor squared hug. It's not a good pic, but whatever)

It only makes sense, and we really should have followed them in retrospect. We'll know better for next time.

:sigh:

Friday, October 9, 2009

My Cucumber is Pickled...

I sh#t you not, this is the headline I saw today:

"Dead Deer in Clown Suit Left on Iowa Porch"

...if you'd like to read the rest of the article it's here

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/33229752/ns/us_news-weird_news/

Pretty amazing if you ask me.

So amazing, actually, that I'm about to do a mini-blog inside this Pickled Cucumber.

In the article, an Animal Control officer calls leaving a dead animal on a porch "illegal" and "immature". Alright, I have to give him the illegal part, even though I don't know the specifics of Iowa dead-animal law. BUT! I'd say the immature part isn't the leaving of the animal...it's the dressing it up in a clown suit.

Here's something else, and I know it's crossed your mind. Did they put a red nose and wig on it? Call me heartless, but I really want to know!

Can you imagine opening your door to find a dead Bambi in a clown suit with a red afro/nose combo greeting you? Genius.

Well...only if the deer was dead when they found it. I'm not saying we should all go shoot deer so we can dress them up in costumes and leave them on our weird neighbors' porches, EVEN if they deserve it.

So, kids, the lesson we learn today is this: If you happen to drive through Iowa and find a deer on the side of the road the only thing to do is to dress it up in a clown suit and drop it off on the nearest porch...maybe it's a culutral thing?

aha!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

I Found the Fountain of Youth!! No Srsly... I did...

You'll never guess where it is either. Also? You're gonna have to wait until the end of this post to find out where it's located. Ok, wait, now you just scrolled down, so I changed my mind. Somewhere within this post lies the answer of where the fountain of youth is currently residing.

Yeah, I say currently because it changes, but at least I figured it out for the moment. Shhhh it's a secret.

The topic today is how to stay young. Now, I'm not talking about weird creams, pills or funky smelling foods DUN!. This all has to do with the mind, you know, the good old noggin. I can almost hear you saying, I AM NOT doing crosswords. My friends, I'm not going to tell you to do crosswords. Nope. Those things suck your soul away and make you cheat on them until you've only done 10% of it and the rest has been filled in by Google.

I'm not talking about taking meth DUN! either (it's all the rage apparently with the youngins). And I'm also not talking about shortening every word to AIM speak, even though I do that all the time, sry.

What I'm proposing is this: watching television. YES! It keeps you young (or at least it works for me!). However, you have to be picky, because not all kinds of television will work. PBS DUN!, for example, will give you gray hair. FOX News will ruin your blood pressure. Food Network will force you to cook everything in three pounds of butter (probably also ruining your blood pressure). CSPAN will get you so bored that your eyes will fall out of your skull in an attempt to have fun. And, let's face it, nobody watches the Weather Channel for more than two minutes a day, otherwise that crappy music could lay alien babies inside your ear drums and make you listen to that Jazz DUN! station, what's it called? 95.9?? I don't know, but it sucks.

No, the real secret to watching television has burrowed itself into the unlikeliest of places. The CW. DUN!

Crap, I shouldn't have written that DUN!, because now those of you who are skimming have seen it and won't read the rest. Oh wait. I have a fantastic idea. Hold on, I'll brb.

I'm back. That's right, I just went through the post so far and inserted random DUN!'s throughout it. Genius. Moving forward!!

Now, I don't really know what The CW stands for, and since in my world research means using Google images to look for--nevermind...--We'll call it The Colossal Wonder. If you haven't ever watched this channel, I HIGHLY suggest you start. Now, please, don't start giving me looks of superiority, I am unfazed by it. Besides, you're just jealous.

I did not discover said channel until my college years, and since then, it has become a staple of my weekly joy. I admit that I don't love every show on the network, and there is some seriously awful sh#t that is aired on there, but there is some awesome stuff as well. And you know what? It keeps me young. I giggle like a twelve-year-old when I watch those shows, and it feels fabulous. So, I won't apologize for my foul smelling television-watching practices, because your icky creams and weird organic food is just as bad.

There is also a supplement you can take if The Colossal Wonder doesn't do exactly what the little label says it's supposed to. Now, be careful when doing these kinds of things, because I don't want anyone receiving restraint orders or ending up on some perv-alert list. But, what you need to do is something along the lines of what I'm doing this weekend. That's right, I'm totally going to a Taylor Swift concert!

Yeah, I'm 23 years old, but I'm also awesome. And, if some 12 year old tries to slap me in the face with my age, all I have to do is pull out my CW knowledge and round house kick the sh#t out of 'em. Because, friends! I have found the fountain of youth!!


NOT IT

(let's face it, that just looks like a toilet)





"IT"

(bask in all it's glory)

aha!


Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Flat Tires

Dear Pirates,

You fail.

Sincerely,
Sam Hawkins

Creepers

You know the saying, "it takes all kinds"? I normally do believe that, in fact, it does take all kinds (to make the world go round). Variety is the spice of life and diversity is one of my favorite things. But there is one category of people, one human genre that I think we could all probably live without.

That's right. Creepers.

You know the type. The guy at Panera who stares at you from the moment you enter from the moment you leave (and not cause you look cute either. Cause you were wearing pajamas and looked gross. Not that I have ever experienced this or anything). Prolonged staring is socially unacceptable and sooo inappropriate.

Or the person your job forces you to call, and then they wind up talking to you about things that proper decorum states you do NOT disclose to a complete stranger, because it is INAPPROPRIATE. Again, not that this has happened to me.

Oooor the guy or girl who comes up to you in a bar, and despite all nonverbal signals indicating otherwise (lack of eye contact, texting, talking to other people in the general vicinity that are decidedly NOT this random stranger, or straight up ignoring them), seems to think you want him/her to talk to you for a prolonged period of time, like say, an hour and a half.

So, it takes all kinds? No, no it doesn’t. This behavior is unnecessary and annoying. And, lets face it, CREEPY. Stalking is never cool! Incessant badgering does not aid in the continuous cycling of the earth! CREEPERS DO NOT AID THE PLANET IN TURNING ON ITS AXIS. The planet will continue to orbit, as it always has (unless a meteor slams into it, or some otherwise cataclysmic event occurs) despite what behaviors the creepers of today decide to force on us this time.

Creepers take note: if people don't acknowledge you in conversation, stop talking to them. If the person on the other end of the phone tries to hang up FOUR TIMES, wrap up the convo! And seriously, stop with the staring. Its unnerving.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

A Very (Un)Happy Banana Cake Day

Don't worry, today is not a Banana Cake Day, or it isn't yet at least...

I'm here to throw down some knowledge. Yeah, that.

BANANA CAKE DAY (bah-nah-nuh kay-ck dey)- noun. A day otherwise known as a sh#t show, when bad ultimately becomes worse, and usually there is a cherry on top... which just so happens to make you want to cry.

Here is something you should know about me, I hate bananas. I hate everything about them. I hate the smell, the taste, the texture, and whatever else you can think of. Anything that has bananas in it will not make its way down my throat EVER. I happen to have a gag reflex, and it is fully functional when I detect the slightest hint of banana.

So, when something as delicious as cake is tainted with banana, everything that was once good in this world loses its innocence. Let me tell you the story of the first ever Banana Cake Day. It's a short one.

I was having a bad day, but then there was cake. I didn't know what was inside, but I took a big bite. Unfortunatly, the filling was bananas, and hence made my day worse. Therefore, this day was the first Banana Cake Day of my life. Just one of those days when nothing good happens and then something happens that pushes you over the edge into despair.

We all have those days, right? It's just that not everyone happens to call them Banana Cake Days. I say we should start.

Why?

Because sometimes life sucks enough to put something treacherous into an otherwise wonderful baked good that makes you want to vom all over your new outfit from The Limited that was totally on sale and super cute...but now only reminds you of the day you ate a piece of cake filled with chunks of super gross fruit that has the consistency of pure and utter ICK.

Here is to wishing that your happy days outnumber your Banana Cake Days!

aha!

Friday, October 2, 2009

My Cucumber is Pickled

Wait till you see this headline. They really dont want us eating candy, pretty soon, Halloween will be banned entirely.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/time/20091002/hl_time/08599192734700

Flat Tires

Dear City of Chicago,

Valiant attempt at trying to get the Olympic Games. Truly. Seriously. lol, I'm kidding. This is after all, the Flat Tire award.

This past week, everyone around here has been so hyped up about how Chicago is going to win!! And how it will come down to Rio and us!! OMG!!! It's going to be so close!! We will surely get it!!

And then what happens? You get knocked out in the first round. I'd say that's a reality check. Not even the smooth talk of the Obamas can win you the Olympics, which makes me believe it will never happen. Which is fine. I, personally, don't want to pay more taxes and have a bajillion strangers within a half hour of where I live a few years from now. Can you imagine the traffic? Jesus Christ. It's already bad, but that would have been AWFUL. This just occurred to me as well...what about the construction? First of all, you would have never been ready by 2016 because it takes two years to pave a one mile road in Illinois. Yeah, that's right, I've kept track of these things. So trust me when I say that driving by construction in this state is like watching the grass grow. Phew!

I'm not sure what you were thinking with this bid, other than being distracted by the dollar signs floating above the idea. I mean, come on, were you really going to have tourists (more than usual) take thousands of pictures next to Big Willie? (AKA the Sears Tower). That's just embarrassing. Imagine their photo abulms.






(Our Time With the Biggest of all Willies! Look at Grandma Suzy smile, she hasn't seen a Willie this big since 1902!)


ugh...just saying...

Yeah yeah yeah. I know what you're thinking. But Sam! It would have been cool to have the Olympics in Chicago! I could have gone and seen Michael Freakin' PHELPS!!

...In that way, I share your pain. It would be nice to see some of the sports up close-but wait-I don't have that kind of money anyways! So whatever.

I do feel bad for all the people that gathered downtown today to watch the City get awarded the games on those Jumbotrons they set up. It's not sunny and it's not warm, and it rained all night. Welcome to Chicago, and it's failtastic ways of making uber amounts of t-shirts for things it never wins so they have to be given away for free and everyone loses more money.

Chicago, what were you thinking?

aha!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

And Then! It was all over.

I pat myself on the back, because I finally finished the Sword of Truth series last night. DAMN that was a HUUGGEE book. I won't bore you all with books you don't read, and unlike myself, I won't ruin the entire 12 book series either. I know, just when you think you know a person, right?

I'm happy it's over though, now I can live in peace knowing how it all ended...or did it? Today I found a slight spin off book called "Law of Nines", I can't tell you what it's about because it would ruin the original series, but none of the characters previously known to us appear here, so I think I might try it at a later date.

Because!! Now I'm reading "Catching Fire", and oh man do I love this series. After that, it looks like I'll be either re-reading "The Host" or diving into a brand new series that I won't tell you about until I start it (mostly cuz it could end up being really really stupid).

In other news, today is Thursday (a sacred night of television) so I'm excited to go home and stare at the tv for a few hours of CW delights. Did you hear that they cancelled "The Beautiful Life"? lol. Cuz no one saw that coming.

Last, but not least, the coming weeks will bring us "2012". And, as my other half would love to tell you all, this also brings us to the subject of stealing. Yes, stealing. Now, I can almost hear you scratching your head, and asking me what the eff I'm talking about. Friends, I'm here to explain.

Have you ever gone to see a film and during one (or maybe a few OR MAYBE ALL) of the previews you say to yourself, 'jeez, I thought of that idea years ago'? If you are in the category who answered YES, you might find this next part of the post satisfying. If you answered NO, I'm sorry, but this might confuse you a little.

There are only so many ways that a writer can destroy the world, right? Wrong. It is almost infinite how many different options there are when a person would like to rid the planet of, well, the planet. Here is where I have a bone to pick. "2012" was thought up in a brain years before it was produced, but my angst doesn't stop there. No. Not even close. Everyone loves a good 'AND THEN! It was all over." movie, especially when the planet actually explodes! yay!! However, there is a shortage of films when the planet is actually saved, so who thought one up? If you don't know the answer to that question, you haven't been listening carefully.

Story-lining television shows before they air the next episode is one thing, but thinking up an entire movie, and then having it made (but not by you) is an entirely different level of f.m.l. I'm not about to make a list of films that I could have written (and possibly already have), but trust me, they exist. :sigh:

I'm not trying to slash the film down, I mean, I'm gonna go see it. Hell yeah for death on a global scale (when they are fake people and awesome! special effects). But, maybe now you'll think of me when you see the preview or as you sit in the dark theatre watching the near extermination of the human race. Lovely.


(wave to all the little people! they look so sad)

So! The next time you have that moment after a preview where you are speechless, not because you think the movie will be good, but because it seems like someone hacked into your brain...Just know that there are others out there like you. So, free hugs to everyone who thought of "2012" before it was made or any other 'AND THEN! It was all over.' movie that has been on the big screen for the past twenty years.

...f&$king Rolland Emmerich and his delicious films that are so quotable and excitably tacky.

aha!