Let's Talk Some Smack

Oh, have I been waiting for another one of these!! It's time for a little "talking smack" about Mr. Pat Robertson. If you are unaware of sir douchebag extraordinaire, I suggest you google "Pat Robertson Haiti Comments" and then literally sh*t yourself after reading what he said.

Apparently, according to Crazy, the people of Haiti "got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, 'We will serve you if you'll get us free from the French.'" Yeah, he said that. So, now, the only logical thing to assume about the massive devastation that occurred because of the earthquake on Tuesday is that God is making the people of Haiti pay for their pact with the devil.

::blinks::

I mean, I know he says this kind of stuff all the time. But really. An entire country? You are blaming an entire country?? He DOES realize that people who weren't Haitians were killed/injured during this thing, right? So, how do they factor in?? Oh right, he is CRAZY.

Wait, he didn't even stop there. "True story," he continued. "And the devil said, 'OK, it's a deal.' Ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after another."

I don't know about that, Pat. You really think they made a deal with the devil to get rid of the French?? I mean, THE FRENCH? Are we thinking about the same people here? I didn't think it was that hard to get rid of them. Just take away their cigarettes, bring in some Americans and possibly George W. Bush, and I think they would leave. I'm not trying to be anti-France or anything, but seriously, it can't be that hard to get rid of them. Devil pacts? That's a little extreme. If the ENTIRE country was going to make a pact with the devil (think about the logistics of that btw, if they could organize themselves for the devil, couldn't they organize themselves in other ways as well?), wouldn't they have asked for something more awesome? Like, I don't know, NOT being a third world country???

...Sometimes it feels like I'm drowning in stupidity.

What's that? You want to talk some more smack? OK!

I also heard that Rod Blagojevich is getting his own talk show, though I think its on the radio. Number one: who is giving this man a job? Number two: that kind of thing requires guests...who will go on his show? Number three: isn't he going to jail soon?

Lastly, I saw today that our favorite President of all our Presidents, George W. Bush, is going to lead in an effort to help the people of Haiti. Is it bad that the first thing that came to mind was when Kanye West said that infamous thing about George Bush hating black people? Now, I'm not coming down on either side of the argument, I'm going to look at this through a historical perspective. Remember how Katrina happened and it sucked for everyone? This is like, a lot worse. So, how about Bush stays in Texas hiding at his ranch just like he did for the maj-

::Kanye West takes away key board::

Imma let you finish. But Haiti had one of the biggest earthquakes of ALL time. ALL TIME! Oh, and George Bush hates black people.

::Kanye West gives back key board::

Sorry about that, guys. He is a little surly today. I don't really know what I was going to talk about next, so I think I'll just leave it at this:

Our thoughts and prayers go out to all the people of Haiti, and their relatives here in the U.S.

aha!

Never Say I Didn't Warn Ya

What the heck is going on? Have you looked at the news stories today? It's like the world is ending or something. Well, maybe not ending, but at least its going down the sh*tter.

First, I wake up and learn that Simon Cowell is leaving American Idol. I don't even watch that show, but I know that has to be some kind of sign. I don't need crop circles telling me that aliens are invading, I just look to who is judging American Idol. No Simon? No Paula? It's like something right out of the end of a Stephen King novel. If you didn't get that reference, I'll explain it to you. It's always aliens. Always.

Next, I go online and see that people are now calling Avatar racist. It's actually some weird backwards argument that makes sense in an alternate universe where FOX News is actually fair and balanced and mullets are never out of style. So, this of course means that people's minds are being invaded by ...yes, aliens. Cuz it's always aliens.

Then, I see a story titled, "Fla. Grandmother Forgotten In Jail for 15 Days". This poor 78 year old lady was arrested on traffic violations, handcuffed and thrown in jail for two weeks, didn't get to see a lawyer or anything. Personally, I'm not sure I should actually call her a "poor little old lady", she is probably an alien. Yeah, I bet she is. I just wonder if she was a good alien that was taken into custody wrongly or a bad alien that broke out wearing some grandmother's skin like a dress to prom night. Ew, why did I say that?

Now, I'm looking at a story about Sarah freakin' Palin being a contributor on FOX News, possibly making her debut appearance on Bill O'Reilly's laugh-a-lot-hour. What is happening, people? What is going on in the world?? Ugh. The only good thing to come of this will be the hilarious sound bytes that Keith Olberman will be able to use on a daily basis. I'm not sure how aliens factor into this one though. It can't be as simple as Palin is one of them, because really, would they want her?? No, that's a definite no. Perhaps she is harboring them in Alaska. Maybe they were the ones who told her she could see Russia from her house as a joke. Perhaps they are good natured aliens after all!! Well, at least they have a sense of humor.

Yup, basically these are all signs that the world is crashing down around us. I'm not saying that you will wake up tomorrow to find earthquakes and tornadoes destroying the world. I'm just saying that the aliens are here, and apparently Stephen King has been right all along. They are taking away our sanity slowly, so that in the end, they can wipe us out easily. All they needed was the destruction of a wildly popular reality series competition, the cutting down of the second highest grossing movie of all time, the disgusting neglect of an old woman, and Sarah Palin voicing her opinions.

Then again, this probably should have clued us in:

effing crop circles.

aha!